The Rabbi who (Probably) Performed my Wedding Ceremony

I got married in September 2005. By 2010, that was over, but that's not actually important for this story, other than understanding why I am referring to him as "now ex-husband." When the wedding planning was going on, it was my job to me to figure out who was going to marry us. This is a sample of some of the feedback that was provided, by various family members, regarding this challenge:

Me: I think that regardless of our (non)beliefs, it would be best to get both a rabbi and one of those guys from the church.
Mother of now ex-husband: How about we just get a rabbi? Jewish weddings are always so nice... and fast!
Now ex-husband: We can get my friend Bob to marry us.
My Dad: Why not just live together and not get married? It's faster, cheaper, and easier!
My Mom: Heh?

Until 2010, I had never stepped inside a synagogue. Although things would later change, at the time of my marriage, my knowledge about Judaism involved getting presents on Chanukah and deciding which knish was better-- square or round. I grew up on Long Island, with two Jewish parents, had never been to Hebrew school, and had never celebrated Passover or Rosh Hashanah. Basically, I had very limited, nearly non-existent, information to go on. I also identified as an atheist during that period. Not knowing where to begin, I executed a brilliant plan-- I opened the phone book to the "rabbi" section, randomly chose a name, and accidentally called an orthodox rabbi to conduct an interfaith ceremony for two atheists on the night of Shabbat. In hindsight, this was stupid. Maybe even beyond stupid. To an orthodox rabbi, I had basically come up with a combination of the most offensive elements in Judaism, and then formulated them into a request. But in my pathetic defense, trying to chose a name from the 92,392 names of rabbis in a Long Island phone book is a daunting task, especially for someone had tried to memorize the Chaunkah blessing for 23 years in a row and was still saying it incorrectly.

I eventually came upon a nice, reform rabbi who would later marry us. He was unfazed that, admittedly, the only thing my now-ex knew about Judaism was that "Well... I know that Robyn is Jewish." The rabbi was fine with marrying us on a Friday night. He even teamed up with a nearly deaf minister, relieving me from the responsibility of having to find yet another person to participate in the ceremony.

As I mentioned, all this occurred in 2005. In 2009, some stuff happened, and then in 2010, more stuff happened, so it ended up that I began to learn that Judaism is more than delicious deep fried dough, filled with mashed potato, in either a circle or square shape. I became connected with a Reform synagogue, and decide to enroll in an "Intro to Judaism' class. The class was largely made up of individuals from interfaith couples, getting ready to get married in the next year. Quite a few of these people were on the path to conversion. One of our sessions was focused on Jewish life cycles, so of course we spent a great deal of time talking about the Jewish wedding and all of the customs and traditions. Somewhere in one of those third sessions discussions, I casually mentioned how my (now ex) husband and I had been married by a lovely rabbi with a great sense of humor, and that our guests had really enjoyed the ceremony. Now I know that I should have just kept my mouth shut.

Next week, in the restroom, where unwanted exchanges always occur, one of the women from class asked if I could refer her to the rabbi who performed my wedding ceremony. I became very nervous, and was too ashamed to tell her that not only did I select my rabbi from a phonebook, but that I have absolutely no recollection of his name. I sort of bypassed this by saying that I would be happy to refer her to this rabbi, but I would have to find his contact information when I got home because I didn't have it on me (doesn't everyone carry their rabbi's complete contact information on them at all times?) and then email her. This was a bad move on my part considering I had no idea where I would obtain this contact information.

A few days passed by and it became obvious that I had to come up with something before I had to face her during the next class. After some time of thinking hard, the word "apple" came to me. I became obsessed that the word "apple" was part of the rabbi's last name. I began furiously searching the internet, putting together every viable combination: appletree, appleseed, applebaum, applestein, appleberg. Nothing. I tried combining various search terms in Google, such as : rabbi + long island + apple. This is what I came up with:

Guided only by desperation, I seriously considered giving her the contact information for Rabbi Steven Moskowitz and his Apple Jacks. A few moments later, a name popped into my mind. It seemingly came out of nowhere, but I was (mostly) sure it was the name I had been looking for, the name rabbi who had performed my wedding ceremony. I found his contact information online and even found a reference to him on a Long Island wedding-message-forum-board-thing-- you know the ones where girls post things like: "OMG only 9298 days left until the Big Day and I can't decide between chocolate or vanilla icing... PLZ HELP!!!!!" Anyway, I clicked on the link, which led me to some girl's "report card" of her wedding, in which she had used the rabbi who had (most likely) performed my ceremony. True to Long Island bride form, she had posted one photograph for every movement that was made on her wedding day. I got out my wedding album and compared her rabbi to mine. Glasses? Check. Beard? Yep. Mustache? Got it. There were some differences, but I chalked them up to the passage time. I emailed my classmate the information.

Feeling quite proud of myself, I looked forward to Tuesday's Intro to Judaism class, knowing that I could face my classmate confidently. My first contact with her was in the bathroom (again). The following conversation took place:

Me: So, did you get in touch with the rabbi? How did it go?
Classmate: Yes, I called him... and I wasn't sure if I should tell you or not, but...
Me: Uh oh, wrong number?
Classmate: No, it was the right number. I know that you said you didn't know him well anyway, so...
Me: Ah! If he said he doesn't remember me, I'm not offended. I told you, I didn't even know him prior to getting married. So, he said he doesn't know who I am, right?
Classmate: No, actually he's dead.
Me: Oh.

The worst part is that it wasn't like he died three minutes ago or anything. Apparently he died a couple of years ago.

I gave my classmate the name of a dead rabbi who most likely, but not definitely, performed my wedding ceremony.

I'm out of the event planning business for good.

House-Hunting in South Philly

I moved from New York to South Philly in 2005, with my then-fiancée/almost then-husband/now ex-husband. We rented a house for two years, and then decided that we liked South Philly enough to want to purchase a home there. It took a very long time to select the place that we would call our home. My ex-husband isn't exactly a handyman, so we wanted a house that had already been renovated. One time, he put together an Ikea bed. After he put it together, he realized that the bed frame was actually upside down. He felt that it didn't matter because it really wasn't noticeable. He was right. It really didn't matter-- for about a year. What happened after that year, was that I came home from work, and I flopped down onto the bed. Unfortunately for me, the entire bed caved in. This is why we were seeking a house that, at the most, required us to hang our own pictures. Wanting a renovated house meant that I did not want a house with someone's old carpeting, which would most likely possess one or more of the following qualities:

a) had been excessively walked on by former owners.
b) had been walked on by dogs, cats, hamsters, horses, lizards, etc.
c) has had food and/or drink spilled on it, and is now deeply embedded in the carpet fibers, much like the vomit in quality "d" below.
d) has been vomited on.

An avid shopper of vintage items and an artist of found objects, I am somehow intensely freaked out by other people's old crap. It's fine to buy someone's old crap and slap it on a canvas or wooden board, but I don't want to live in a house where people were dying and throwing up all over the carpets. If a house hadn't been entirely gutted out and renovated, I wanted nothing to do with it. This lead to a long, labored house hunt, lasting several months.

In South Philly, it was difficult to find houses that don't have:

a) at least one mirrored wall
b) a ceiling that looks like a board game because it's made up of many squares.
c) a statue of the Virgin Mary, or some other religious representation.
d) a carpet that is purple or green.
e) more pointless, waste of space knickknacks than a store on Antique Row.
f) a large dog, drooling all over the carpet and furniture.

Here are some other things that we came across in the search for our first home:

a) A house with a urinal in the basement.
b) A house that caused my ex-husband to say "It smells like a bunch of old people died in here!" upon opening the front door.
c) A house that was so cluttered we had trouble walking. The owners apologized-- "Sorry! We still haven't finished putting away these Christmas gifts yet!" It was almost February.
d) A house that was so clean I was afraid to move because I didn't want to create a dust particle. I would have licked the ground of the outdoor space in the back of that house. It looked cleaner than my dinner plates.
e) A house on a safe, quiet block that had a security system with a camera. There wouldn't be anything odd about that if the owner of the house hadn't been sitting in the basement watching 24-hour footage of the street.

The next few are from when we originally moved to Philly and were looking for a place to rent, but I'll throw them in anyway:

f) A house that was falling apart so bad that when the owner shut the front door, a piece of it fell off. That same house was so worthless that the owner was actually using those ugly horse posts that you see on some South Philly sidewalks as a unique selling point. The sad part was that he really looked as though he believed in it.
g) A house with a kitchen that was so dilapidated that when I opened the refrigerator I had to ask, "Hey, why is the toaster oven in the fridge?" That same house also had an oven that looked like it was used to make lunch for the soldiers in World War I. I asked the owner when he was planning on replacing the stove. He looked horrified and offended that I would ask such a question. "Replace it!? IT WORKS!"

Professional Geese Chasing

A few weeks ago, I saw a vehicle advertising "Geese Chasers," and as it turned out, this is real thing. I was very curious to find out what it was all about. When I was a child, I would ignore the sign in Eisenhower park that said, "DON'T FEED THE FOWL." Naturally, I would feed the fowl. The problem was that the fowl never understood when I would say, "All gone." Then, they would aggressively chase me around the park. I had a feeling this was something very different.

I did some research on this fascinating and important issue, using www.geesechasers.com, and learned that Border Collies are used to professionally chase away unwanted geese. In fact, this is how it is described on the website:

The Geese Chasers™ Solution
Geese Chasers™ will visit your site daily at random times during the first several weeks. Each visit reinforces the message of danger to the Canada Goose population; soon they will relocate to other areas.

Maybe they should change that part to:

Soon, you will no longer have a problem with geese. This is very fortunate or you. Unfortunately for someone else, an area that previously did not have any problems with geese, will now inherit a rather significant problem."

So that's it. Geese Chasers, LLC, the #1 name in professional goose control. I can now fall asleep easier, knowing that there is nothing unprofessional about chasing geese.

I am such a liar.

I was in the store "Ross," trying on a pair of black, peep-toe flats. As I was checking them out in the mirror, I became aware of a lady down the aisle who was also trying on shoes. I heard a couple sounds, and to my horror, realized she was trying to get my attention. I pretended to be deeply fascinated by my shoes, hoping that she would go away. She called out to me again. I feebly answered, "Yes?" knowing what was about to happen.

"Do you think these are ugly?" The lady was about 40-years old, and had a heavy European accent. She was trying on a pair of four-inch heel, peep-toe ankle boots. They were tan, had little square-shaped cutouts all over them. They were the ugliest shoes I had ever seen.

"I love them," I told her. "They are really nice."

I had lied, and I felt bad. A terrible cycle happens each time someone asks for my opinion about something that looks awful. The only way I know to cope with this is to go even further, rather than walk away, in an attempt to compensate for how bad I feel, and how much I don't want to tell the person the truth.

"Really?" she asked.
"Of course," I answered. But more importantly-- are they comfortable?"

I should have stopped here, given I had already taken this too far. Unfortunately, when this type of situation occurs, I continue to dig myself into a deeper grave. It is a vicious cycle-- the more I lie, the worse I feel. In an attempt to manage my own feelings, I make up more lies about the item(s) in question.

"They look like they could be uncomfortable, but if you are able to walk comfortably, then I say-- go ahead and get them! I love them."
"Yes," she replied. "They are comfortable."

As I continued to fail at managing my own discomfort, I shamefully took it to a another level-- I began volunteering additional reinforcement-- questions and opinions outside of what the lady asked of me in the first place.

"Are you going to wear them with a dress?" I asked.
"Yes," she said. "I'm planning on wearing them with a dress."
"Good, because that's what I was envisioning," I said. "I think they would look great with a dress. In fact, if it was a bit of a shorter dress; a little above the knee--well, that would just look perfect!"

I had a similar occurrence a few months before this. Incidentally, it also happened in "Ross." Anyway, a woman was trying on a dress. She said she was planning on wearing to a wedding. It was a metallic blue color, had a thick strap that went across one shoulder, and was pretty short. It looked horrible. It just didn't even come close to fitting her. She asked for my opinion, and I told her that it looked beautiful. Once again, I also went further with additional comments that were unnecessary, telling her that the color was just right for her skin tone, and "I especially love the cut of the dress," which is something my mom would say.

Days later, I began to worry. What if she purchased the dress as a direct result of the positive feedback I provided (lied about), only to wear it to the wedding and be shamed and humiliated by harsh family members and so-called friends, inevitably leading to a severe mental breakdown, and eventual involuntary commitment to a state hospital?

I should probably stop going to "Ross."
I should probably learn to shut the hell up.

The end.

Ringtones for a Funeral

Making the news recently, was a story describing how, during a performance by the New York Philharmonic, a man's cell phone alarm rang for three or four minutes. The conductor subsequently put a stop to the performance-- the orchestra came to a complete silence-- until the phone's alarm ceased.

This caused me to think that somewhere in the world, there must have been at least one occurrence (probably more), in which a cell phone has gone off during a funeral, particularly during a eulogy. Many people have songs as ringtones, which caused me think of the worse possible ringtones to make an appearance during a funeral. I have have put together a list of the results. Here is what I came up with:
(Each song is linked to it's YouTube video, in case you need a reference).

"Celebration" by Kool & The Gang
(Familiar lyrics: "Celebrate good times-- C'mon!")

"Another One Bites the Dust" by Queen
(Familiar lyrics are self-explanatory, as they follow the title).

"Everybody Have Fun Tonight" by Wang Chung
(Familiar lyrics: Everybody have fun tonight! Everybody Wang Chung tonight!)

"(I Just) Died in Your Arms" by Cutting Crew
(Familiar Lyrics: "Oh! I just died in your arms tonight... it must have been something you said...)

"I'm So Excited" by The Pointer Sisters
(Familiar lyrics: "I'm so excited! And I just can't hide it!")

Second Only to the Air-Conditioner, Was the Television

My parents actually had this exact television in the 70s and early 80s.








In my house, second only to the air-conditioner on the list of priorities, was the television. Here is a run-down of the television situation in my house when I was growing up:

Living room: television.
My bedroom: television.
My parent's bedroom: television.
The kitchen table: television.
My sister's bedroom: television.
The guest room: television.

Despite this large accumulation of televisions, indicating that no one in my family actually wanted to talk to one another, I currently don't watch television very often. I have no knowledge about current shows. I thought "House" was a reality show about a bunch of people living in a house. In 2000, I thought "Seinfeld" was a new show, only to find out that it ran from 1989-1998. I have never seen "Sex in the City," but that's probably because I have no interest in watching four women from New York discuss STDs and tampons, or whatever it is that women talk about these days. I haven't seen "24," but I heard people talking about it, so I think it's about a bunch of terrorists, but I can't be sure.

Also, I haven’t seen a lot of movies. People ask me, “Did you see [insert name of movie]?” When I answer, “No, I haven’t,” they tend look shocked and offended, as if they produced and directed the movie themselves.

There seems to be an inordinate amount of shows where a bunch of people do stuff, but then the people on the show that do the crappiest job of doing stuff get voted off, one at a time. Eventually, the person who does stuff the best emerges as the winner. America never hears about this person again.

"Stuff" includes tasks such as: eating rats and spiders on a remote island; losing 183 pounds in six days; attempting to replicate Mt. Rushmore in the form of a cupcake.

When I do watch television, I enjoy watching non-fiction crime shows, such as "Forensic Files" and "I Almost Got Away With It." I have learned valuable information, such as never to burn crime scene evidence in a forest because forensic geologists and botanists can study the growth rings in a tree, in an effort to aserctain when the fire actually occurred. Consequently, they can determine the time frame of the crime. Eventually, incarceration ensues. The end.

My Mother's Air-Conditioning Checklist

Air-conditioning is a major priority in my family. We are New York Jews, and we do not deal well with discomfort. We had a big, 327894628374294082034 BTU air conditioner in the living room, and one summer day, it stopped working. We quickly purchased a new one and put it in the den-— there was no way we were going to wait for a repair man in the heat.

When it gets very hot, my mom likes to run down what I like to call "The Air Conditioning Checklist." It goes like this:

Mom: So, how's the air-conditioning working at home?
Me: Good! Nice and cool.
Mom: Oh good. You have central, right? (She asks every year).
Me: Yup, central! A nice, balanced spread of coolness in each and every room. I’m forever grateful for my central air!
Mom: Ahhh, I bet that feels nice. What about at work? Do you have central air at work?
Me: Nope, the house is too old. Air conditioners were put in all the windows before it got hot out, though.
Mom: But they work, right?
Me: Yes. They are all up and running.
Mom: Boy, I bet it must be miserable walking to the subway in the morning. Do they have air conditioning on those trains?
Me: The trains are kept nice and cold, but the platform is very hot.
Mom: Oh boy, that must really be miserable.
Me: It's pretty uncomfortable.
Mom: How far do you have to walk to get home from the subway stop? It must feel like an oven out there!!
Me: It takes about five minutes.
Mom: UGH!! You must be sweating by the time you get home! Miserable!!

Usually, at this point in the conversation, my mother has satisfied her need to ensure that all aspects of my environment are adequately cooled.