May Roaches, Waterbugs, and Mice Infest the Home of Whoever was Disgusting Enough to do This

Apparently, these are the options to deal with leftovers from dinner in South Philly:

a) Pack them up and save them for the next day.
b) Throw them in the garbage can.
c) Throw them down the garbage disposal.
d) Toss them into the street to attract pigeons, roaches, rodents, waterbugs, flies, and ants.

One Time...

I've been slacking on my writing, so my half-assed (is it "half-ass" or "half-assed"?) remedy is to post a quick "One Time" entry until I have more time to write later today.

So... ONE TIME...

... my sister took a blue marker and put "eye shadow" on my Dylan McKay "90210" poster. I did not speak to her for weeks. My sister is 14 years older than me.

... when I was about six, I decided it would be a good idea to climb into one of the drawers of my dresser. The dresser was tall-- it had about six drawers, one on top of the other. I also had a goldfish named Fred (after Fred Mertz from I Love Lucy) in a bowl on top of the dresser, but I neglected to think about how my actions would affect him. I began to climb into the dresser and the whole thing began to tip. Somehow, my six year old strength was able to push the dresser back. Fred ended up on the floor. I called for my mom and she saved Fred by quickly refilling his bowl and returning him to his home. "What happened?!" she asked, horrified. "I have no idea!" I answered.

I Hate it When...

I hate it when I'm in a rush, waiting to pay for my coffee at 7-11, and the person in front of me is purchasing scratch-off lottery tickets.

Okay, and now I'll take 32 "Win $928,482,027,273.02 Per Hour for Life" tickets, and 19 "Match Every Single Number and Win $26,273 Per Week for the Next Ten Years of My Wretched Life" tickets.

You
Are
Never
Going
To
Win

How to Pick Up Chicks

I'm too stressed out by "Error of the Day." I know it's only the second day, but already, I'm falling apart. I'm offering this instead. This is courtesy of the "missed connections" category on Craigslist. This is linked, in case you want to see the original:

"You hit the treadmill right after the fire drill, I spent most of the fire drill hungover and passed out in the chair next to you and your friend. I didn't know we had beautiful women in this building -- let's go for a run sometime."

How to pick up a woman, based upon the above example:

1. Act like a creepy, dead guy. This is particularly attractive to women who are passionate about physical fitness.

2. Just case your love interest didn't notice the creepy dead guy passed out adjacent to her, make sure that you make a public announcement to let her know that it was you who was the sloppy heap of drunkenness.

3. Use your sloppy heap of drunkenness as a selling point.

4. Make it fun! If you are find yourself attracted to a woman in your apartment building, what better way to confidently deliver your feelings than in a Craigslist "missed connections" ad? "Playing hard to get" has been brought to a whole new level-- with this clever declaration of interest, you have a 1 in 320,482,933,284 chance that your sweetheart will see the ad, and if she does, a .002 in 342,927,882,282,082 chance that she will respond favorably.

5. Regarding the initial example, nothing says "just kidding" like asking for a running date. It's a great way to reestablish yourself as a member of the human race in an endearing fashion. "JUST KIDDING!!! I'm not really a train wreck-- I'm a marathon runner! Surprise!" Knock her socks off by engaging in opposite behavior. Even if you're vomiting the whole way, at least you tried.

Error of the Day

I get a great deal of pleasure finding grammatical and spelling errors. Some say this is because I'm arrogant, and that correcting the errors of other people helps to inflate my ego. They are wrong. Correcting errors does not inflate my ego, but posting them on a blog that others will read, does. I am going to try to commit myself to posting "Error of the Day" on a daily basis, which basically means you'll see this type of post turn up like once every two months. Anyhow, courtesy of the menu for Key Pizza in South Philly, here is today's Error of the Day:

What we have here is a Texas Mex burger with "spur cream." That must hurt going down. It seems to be a burger that can help you to channel your inner masochist.

How to Dress Cool

These photographs are of me, and were taken in Lancaster, Pennsylvania, circa 1990.

I have read that it is advisable to coordinate your shoes with your handbag. It doesn't have to be an exact match, but, at the very least, they should definitely compliment one another. Also, accessories should have the same finish-- for example, if you choose a bag with a silver chain, your jewelry should also be silver.

I think this is stupid. The obvious choice would be to match your t-shirt exactly to your slouch socks, and then wear white Keds for a neutral look, as not to distract from the shirt/socks combination

Next, let's talk about shorts. I have been doing some research on denim shorts, and I have found that the fashion guidelines, regarding denim shorts, are pretty flexible. Dark wash, light wash, cut-offs, short, medium-length-- all are acceptable.

However, nowhere in my research, did I find any information about tye-dye denim shorts. Sadly, the fashion world fails us again, in that we are rendered blind to some of the most fashion-forward trends. Thank goodness I am here to educate you. When assembling an outfit with the focal point being tye-dye shorts, you want to make sure that you choose a shirt/sock combo that will help to bring out one of the colors of the dye-- in my case, I chose blue to be the standout color. Don't be shy! The worst mistake you can make is to pair colorful tye-dye shorts with neutral accents-- don't dull down this look!

Now on to hair accessories. Regretfully, you cannot see the details of my hair accessory in the above photos, but let me tell you this-- shoelaces are not just for shoes!!! That's right-- it's a hair clip made of shoelaces! Once again-- don't be afraid to be bold!! When choosing a hair accessory to compliment your outfit, make sure you choose a multicolored piece that contains every single color in your outfit.

Lastly, let's discuss fashion photography. It's an important aspect of style to consider, especially if you are going to consider starting your own fashion blog. A most reliable source, Wikipedia, has this to say about fashion photography:

"Over time, fashion photography has developed its own aesthetic in which the clothes and fashions are enhanced by the presence of exotic locations or accessories."

I can't find a better example of that statement than the photos that I have posted here. The exotic location of the petting zoo, combined with the elegance of the llama, plus other various farm animals, only adds to allure of the clothing. I would also like to mention that it is imperative for fashion photography to tell a story. The story should be relevant, lending support to the product. In this case, we can see that the outfit in the photos has a calming affect on farm animals, both large and small. This is important because when I buy an outfit for two reasons, one being to look good, and the other being to lure farm animals out of a barn, I want to know it works.

Inventory of What was ON MY PERSON (in my bags)

I went to visit my mom in NY on Tuesday afternoon. When I left for NY, I had my pink backpack and small person purse with me. I barely ever drive to NY. I would rather eat a bowl of centipedes. I take Amtrak and Long Island Railroad.

I just proofread this entry before posting it, and I noticed I had written that I had a "small person" with me. I meant that I had a purse. I'm just doing the strike-through and leaving it, because now I'm picturing myself fighting my way through Penn Station with all of my bags, sweating and frustrated, plus one small person to carry, as well.

When it was time to return (on the following day-- Wednesday), I had acquired enough additional belongings to host a garage sale. I have never flown, but I can only imagine what would happen if I had tried to go through airport security with the things I was carrying in my bags.

Here's a list of the bags I was carrying ON MY PERSON: (I love saying that!)

-- One authentic early 1970s suitcase (Found it in my mom's closet). It's the type of suitcase that would cause most people to say, "Ha, ha!! What an eyesore! The 70s was not kind to luggage!" It caused me to say, "Yes!!! I have struck gold. This is the most perfect suitcase in the history of luggage!!!"
-- One ugly, manly, boring, lacking-in-style, black suitcase
-- One medium sized tote bag
-- One small purse
-- One backpack the size of an adult unicorn

Before I talk about some of the things that I had ON MY PERSON (!!!), I will just give you some background about myself, so you can see the sense and relevance in this odd combination of stuff.

-- I'm an artist and I do mixed media work and combines painting. I work with found objects, which basically means I like to sift through crap, collect it, and find ways to incorporate into my artwork.

-- I enjoy certain Jewish delicacies that cannot be found in the local supermarkets in South Philly.

-- I have never met my grandparents, so I tend to collect little pieces of history every time I go to my mom's house in NY.

So, if someone had inspected my bags on Amtrak, that person would say, "Ma'am. We need to detain you for questioning. We have searched your bags, and have found a variety of hardware including screws, nails, and washers, Israeli artifacts, several boxes of potato latkes, door hinges, unidentifiable metal pieces, a stereo receiver, and a Kosher salami."