In April, I began to write down some of my most memorable exchanges with my mother. These have been written down verbatim. They have not been altered in any way.
Mom: You know who I can't stand?
Mom: That Arnold Schwartzendigger.
Mom: Oh, I mean Schwartzenberger.
Me: I went to the gym at 10:15pm last night.
Mom: 10:15??? I certainly hope you drove there at that hour!!! Well??... did you drive, or were you walking the streets???
Me: There are no male staff at my job.
Mom: At least there's nobody for you to flirt with.
Me: What? You have nobody to drive the forklift?
Mom: Good luck tomorrow. Call me to let me know how it goes, but not between 8pm and 10pm because "Dancing with the Stars" is on.
Me: But mom, I have the seder after work.
Mom: I know. You can call me on your lunch hour or around 5:30pm. Good luck. I love you. You will do great. I have faith in you. Just don't do anything stupid.
Mom: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: Volunteering for Jewish Federation of Philadelphia-- doing yard work for elderly people who can't do it themselves.
Mom: Jewish people?
Me: I don't know-- why?
Mom: I didn't think Jewish people needed volunteers to do that-- wouldn't they just hire a lawn service?
Mom: Soon you will be discovered by a talent scout.
Me: Doing what?
Mom: He will say-- "You can have any job you want."
Me: I think you got "talent scout" confused with "genie."
Mom: Today is in the past.
Me: No, mom. It's actually in the present.
Mom: Well, you know what I mean.
1980s (1) 1990s (1) 7-11 (1) 90210 (1) Air-Conditioning (1) Animals (2) Anxiety (1) Art (2) Atlantic City (1) awkward situations (1) awkward social situations (2) Birds (1) Birthday Party (1) Books (1) boyfriend (1) Car (1) Casino (1) cell phones (1) Computers (1) Cosmetics (1) Craigslist (1) Crime (1) Dad (1) Disappointment (1) Doctor (1) Driving (1) Drunk (1) Dunkin Donuts (1) Elementary School (1) Error of the Day (1) Farm (1) Fashion (4) Food (3) funeral (1) Gambling (1) Goldfish (1) Grammar (1) Halloween (1) high school (1) Horse Racing (1) Houses (1) Humor (1) I Hate it When (1) Judaism (1) Long Island (2) Lottery (1) Lying (1) mall (1) Marriage (2) Money (1) Monty Python (1) Mother (2) New York (1) NKOTB (1) One Time (3) One-Up (1) Oy Vey (6) Philly (4) Psychiatrist (1) Questions (1) Rabbi (1) Reading (1) relationships (1) Ridiculousness (1) ringtones (1) School (1) Self-Help (1) Shopping (3) Sister (1) Sneakers (1) sociopathic behavior (1) South Philly (3) Spelling (1) subway (2) Summer (1) Supermarket (1) Television (1) Trends (1) When I was Little (1) When I was a Kid (3) When I was Little (5) White Men (1) Whole Foods (1) Women (1)