Sunday, July 24, 2011

Second Only to the Air-Conditioner, Was the Television

My parents actually had this exact television in the 70s and early 80s.

In my house, second only to the air-conditioner on the list of priorities, was the television. Here is a run-down of the television situation in my house when I was growing up:

Living room: television.
My bedroom: television.
My parent's bedroom: television.
The kitchen table: television.
My sister's bedroom: television.
The guest room: television.

Despite this large accumulation of televisions, indicating that no one in my family actually wanted to talk to one another, I currently don't watch television very often. I have no knowledge about current shows. I thought "House" was a reality show about a bunch of people living in a house. In 2000, I thought "Seinfeld" was a new show, only to find out that it ran from 1989-1998. I have never seen "Sex in the City," but that's probably because I have no interest in watching four women from New York discuss STDs and tampons, or whatever it is that women talk about these days. I haven't seen "24," but I heard people talking about it, so I think it's about a bunch of terrorists, but I can't be sure.

Also, I haven’t seen a lot of movies. People ask me, “Did you see [insert name of movie]?” When I answer, “No, I haven’t,” they tend look shocked and offended, as if they produced and directed the movie themselves.

There seems to be an inordinate amount of shows where a bunch of people do stuff, but then the people on the show that do the crappiest job of doing stuff get voted off, one at a time. Eventually, the person who does stuff the best emerges as the winner. America never hears about this person again.

"Stuff" includes tasks such as: eating rats and spiders on a remote island; losing 183 pounds in six days; attempting to replicate Mt. Rushmore in the form of a cupcake.

When I do watch television, I enjoy watching non-fiction crime shows, such as "Forensic Files" and "I Almost Got Away With It." I have learned valuable information, such as never to burn crime scene evidence in a forest because forensic geologists and botanists can study the growth rings in a tree, in an effort to aserctain when the fire actually occurred. Consequently, they can determine the time frame of the crime. Eventually, incarceration ensues. The end.

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