I am the Biggest Jerk in the History of the World

As I look over my blog, I realize a lot of it is about me being a sociopath. Ruining other kids’ ceramic projects, cutting up the carpet, giving false opinions to people in stores, kicking a hole in a neighbor's Halloween decoration, and tipping over a dresser and making the goldfish fall out of it’s bowl (you will have to read past entries if you want more detail about these things. It’s all in here, trust me). So, I figured it was fitting to add yet another entry about my sociopathic behavior. Then I realized I’m probably not a sociopath at all, if I’m using this blog sort of as a cleansing process. It means I feel bad about the things I have done. However, since I am cleansing myself of my wrongdoings on a public forum, it must mean that I’m actually a narcissist.

I am not the most patient driver. I am a good driver, and a safe one, too. However, some might describe my style as slightly aggressive. I think it comes from all the city driving I have done. Yesterday, I was obviously the one and only person on the road who had somewhere important to go (the mall). Given my unique situation, I had less patience than usual. I was at a red light, and was waiting to make a right turn. There was van in front of me; also with his right turn signal on (I refer to everyone on the road as male. “What the hell is that guy doing? Why is that guy at a stop in the middle of the road? What’s wrong with him??” It could be a car full of women wearing frilly pink dresses. I will still refer to them as one guy.) The light turned green, and the guy in front of me did not turn. I gave it a few seconds, but there was no movement. I decided I was going to do the “gentle reminder” beep that I had practiced. I developed it as a way to decrease the aggressive nature of my driving habits. Instead of slamming my hand on the horn before the person can even move his foot from the brake pedal to the gas, I wait a few seconds, and then with a swift, but light motion of the hand, I beep the horn as though I am gently tapping a tambourine in the middle of a quiet song. That is my “gentle reminder” beep. Unfortunately, the driver ahead of me did not respond to my tender notification that the light had turned green. This time I stepped it up to the “You-are-not-even-paying-attention-not-even-a-little beep.” This beep has undertones of anger and aggravation. After I executed this beep, there was still no movement. At this point, I was getting extremely pissed off, so this time, I really hit the horn. I don’t even have an official name for that type of a beep, except that “beep” is too jolly of a word to describe it. No movement. Muttering curses to myself, I decided that I was just going to go around this guy. Well, unfortunately, since his car was large enough to block any view of what was going on to the right side of him, I was not able to have seen that the reason he wasn’t moving was because he was waiting for a crossing guard to help children cross the street. I felt like the biggest jerk in the history of world, ever, in life (key indicator that I am actually not a sociopath). At this point, I made the choice to completely abandon my original route, cut through the parking lot of CVS, and go on a completely different road. I did this because I did not want to be driving near any other driver who was around me, who may have been a witness to what had just taken place. I especially did not want the guy who was in front of me to end up right behind me, or next to me at a traffic light. I did not want to be driving near anyone who would be thinking the whole time, “Oh, that’s the car of the person who wanted to run over little children and kill them. Yes, that’s the car of the person who has absolutely no respect for the job of a crossing guard.”

The moral of the story is that it was the guy’s fault who was in the car in front of me. He should have gotten out, personally visited me in my car (I would have rolled down my window), and told me that the reason he had stopped was because he was waiting for children to cross the street, and he sincerely apologizes that he purchased such a large car, which blocks important views.