Saturday, March 19, 2011

How to Pick Up Chicks

I'm too stressed out by "Error of the Day." I know it's only the second day, but already, I'm falling apart. I'm offering this instead. This is courtesy of the "missed connections" category on Craigslist. This is linked, in case you want to see the original:

"You hit the treadmill right after the fire drill, I spent most of the fire drill hungover and passed out in the chair next to you and your friend. I didn't know we had beautiful women in this building -- let's go for a run sometime."

How to pick up a woman, based upon the above example:

1. Act like a creepy, dead guy. This is particularly attractive to women who are passionate about physical fitness.

2. Just case your love interest didn't notice the creepy dead guy passed out adjacent to her, make sure that you make a public announcement to let her know that it was you who was the sloppy heap of drunkenness.

3. Use your sloppy heap of drunkenness as a selling point.

4. Make it fun! If you are find yourself attracted to a woman in your apartment building, what better way to confidently deliver your feelings than in a Craigslist "missed connections" ad? "Playing hard to get" has been brought to a whole new level-- with this clever declaration of interest, you have a 1 in 320,482,933,284 chance that your sweetheart will see the ad, and if she does, a .002 in 342,927,882,282,082 chance that she will respond favorably.

5. Regarding the initial example, nothing says "just kidding" like asking for a running date. It's a great way to reestablish yourself as a member of the human race in an endearing fashion. "JUST KIDDING!!! I'm not really a train wreck-- I'm a marathon runner! Surprise!" Knock her socks off by engaging in opposite behavior. Even if you're vomiting the whole way, at least you tried.

1 comment:

  1. Hey now, I might find this to be a little hilarious... besides the fact I would never respond to a missed connection on Craigslist. I would just talk to everyone about how I got a missed connection... that I ignored because I'm so confident.